ninhoic

 Alright.  I realized that I look too far into the future when I make my plans and not enough at the present.  So I'm replacing my goal list with my goals for the next year.  Starting tomorrow (November 10, 2010) and going until that day of next year (November 10, 2011), these are my goals of what I want to have at least started.

- Run in a mini-marathon.  I know I said marathon a few months back, but I realized that's too much running even with as much time as I have until the race...

- Be healthier.  I really need this one.

- Get my finances in order.  I want to have no debt this time next year.

- Get back in school.  Figure out what I want to go to school for first though.

- Road trip across the US with some of my favorite people.  They know who they are.

- Driver's License.  Hopefully I can get this completely fixed before Christmas, but you never know.

- Figure out how to dress well.  You can laugh all you want, but I couldn't dress myself for nice things if my life depended on it.  I consider nice a t-shirt under a button up and jeans.

So, those are my goals for the next goal.  Wish me luck, I might need it.

 Here's the start of that list I mentioned.  I haven't gotten the whole list worked out yet, so this will be updated frequently.

1. Own a videogame store.  Not sure how easy this will be going into the digital age, but whatever.
2. Grow a beard.  Not one of those sissy "I have 5 oclock shadow" ones either.  A grizzly adams one.
3. Learn bass guitar.  I originally wanted to learn rhythm guitar, but I feel bass is much cooler.
4. Program Christmas lights set to music.  This is more for my mom, just as a surprise.
5. Program a videogame.  Not anything too flashy, not at first anyway.
6. Karaoke the way it's meant to be done.  Drunk and in Tokyo.
7. Ride the bullet trains of Japan.  possibly during 6.
8. Do the robot with a french person.
9. Destroy a guitar, rocker style.
10. Develop perfect balance when doing handstands.  side related goal, walk up 2 flights of stairs this way.
11. Do a barrel roll. XD
12. Get a tattoo of my own design.
13. Ride a dinosuar.  Sadly, I mean an animatronic, not a real one >.>
14. Joust.  On an ostrich (or a horse).  Wearing the armor of the black knight.
15. Learn three languages, one of which is japanese.
16. Make my own webcomic.  Need better drawing skills first.
17. Go to at least 11 cons in 6 months.
18. Confess to a random stranger a random secret.  This will probably be a result of being drunk out of my mind.
19. Sail through the Bermuda Triangle.  Yea, it's stupid, but who cares?
20. Visit my new friends, all over the world.

I'm beginning to think I should desire to do extravagant things to make this list worth it.  So expect bigger and bigger things.

 I finally got my license after all these years, and the first thing I'm doing with it is taking a cross country road trip.  Booya!  Now to get to work on some of those other things I freak out about.  Oh and it's official, I'm going to an Air Force recruiter when I get back from my trip.  I can't stand working at UPS anymore.  It's not worth it, not sure it ever really was.

 I'm realizing that I should stop thinking.  The more I think, the more I find a reason not to do something.  If I could just stop thinking, I would be able to do so much more.  Even as I type this, I'm starting to back out of something deep down I know I should do, but I can't bring myself to.  Giving myself a time limit, but I'll have to force myself to do it when the time comes.

Anyway, I'm in the middle of a huge jump.  I'm going to try to join the Air Force.  I know, I said I would join the marines a few months back, but that was for a very childish reason.  I was running away from something I did then, wanting to distance myself from a very stupid thing I did.  I wasn't giving any real thought to going through with it, it was more for the attention.  This time, I genuinely want to change myself and see the world while I'm doing it.  My family has been fairly supportive in the idea, friends too.  I'm gonna go through with it this time.

 The world was hoisted onto my shoulders
and all I could do was shrug.

 I knew bringing my dad back into my life was a good idea.  
I finally have someone to talk to that won't sugarcoat what they're trying to say.
I honestly haven't felt this free and okay in such a long time.
I'm not even nervous right now.

 I guess I decided to jump into this whole trip to visit friends more because I wanted to believe that things hadn't changed.  Sadly it's obvious that they have.  I'm the only one that has yet to change though.  I really think if I decide to stick with the idea to go, I may very well end up with one less friend because of it.  To suddenly jump into a trip that will last for two weeks, with someone who I've barely talked to in the last few months, to visit people who either I talk to more than she does, neither of us have gotten to talk to in months, or that I have never talked to for more than a few minutes at a time, sure doesn't seem all that smart.  Unfortunately, me being me, can't bring myself to tell her I don't really think it's such a good idea anymore.  Neither of us have even been in the same room with each other, let alone the same car.  I just can't see this ending any way but bad...

 I'm a loser baby
So why don't you kill me?

This may very well be my last post for maybe a week or two.  I've decided to actually follow through with my idea of going without tech for awhile.  I hide behind my monitor more often than not.  Instead of hanging out with friends, I make up some excuse to stay home and wind up spending hours roaming the internet.  Hours later, nothing to show for the time spent and pictures on facebook of my friends having fun.

I'll be honest.  I had a breakdown last night.  All my lies I've built up over the years, kept me from really talking to anyone about what was wrong.  I hurt my sisters dog and it was like in that instant everything that I've been holding back came out.  All my emotions that I bottle up, all the things I want to say, everything came out all at once.  And I cried, cried feeling like I was all alone.

I know that I'm not, but because of my tendency to lie and not being entirely trusting of everyone, I don't always know who I can talk to that won't let loose my secrets.

Anyways, it'll be at least a week.  Hopefully I can sort myself out by the time I decide to come back.

 "Why do you need money so much for? You don't do anything that would need this much money. You're not into something illegal now are you?"

"No Mom. It's nothing like that. It's just for something I feel like I need to do. You've had those kinds of feelings haven't you?"

"Of course I have, the difference being that I didn't give in. I sat down and thought about what I was thinking about doing and realized it was stupid and pointless to go through with it. I thought about my future, and saw that I needed to stay here. It was for the best."

"Well for me, the best is to go through with this. I don't usually give in to my ideas that often, you know that. I just feel this is the one I need to go through with. I need the change in scenery, in how I live my life."

"I guess if it's that important to you."

"Awesome. Does that mean I can borrow the car?"